i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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