She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
