I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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