You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
