I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
