You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
