he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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