i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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