I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
