i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
