her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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