It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There's always time for handjobs
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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