You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
