you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
