i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
