I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize