You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
