Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
