The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
