Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
