dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
