I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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