I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
