No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
