saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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