I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
