Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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