I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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