mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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