You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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