the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
