Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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