Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
