Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize