I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
