Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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