So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
