Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
