i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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