sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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