Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
