some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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