Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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