two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
