OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
