I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
