I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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