she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
