How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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