i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
