Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize