So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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