i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
