Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I AM VODKA MAN
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
