I wish my penis had an off switch
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
