nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
