I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
