At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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