I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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