girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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