I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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