There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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