he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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