the condom got lost in my hair
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Floor bacon is actually really good
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
