My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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